Stop the fun bus Dubai City Tours

Peggy and I are insanely good entertainers. Besides our enormous capacity for partying, we are in touch with what the people want when they come visiting the Middle East.

We gave the Racoon and the Boxman the tour of their bleeding lives earlier in the year. They arrived from Mud Island pasty and wide-eyed (Bless them, we said). They left tanned, kitted out in designer gear and henna tattoos - generally far cooler beings. In four days we had covered it all – camel rides, boat rides up the Dubai Creek, kayaking attempts, golf, belly dancing, shisha pipes and hummus, and managed to flick the odd hoof on the odd dance floor.

This weekend we’ll be called upon to cook up an itinerary for the arrival of Miss Reginald Dwight and Miss O, this time tailoring a summer package to allow for the current outdoor discomfort levels as the region becomes increasingly inferno-like. We will be accommodating both ladies’ fondness for the acquisition of goods and chattels by providing access to a cross section of UAE malls. Like Trinny and Susannah we’ll able to provide advice on What Not to Wear in certain parts of the inner city (all feminine flesh should be covered).

If we don’t say so ourselves, we are ridiculously adept at providing the fullest possible tourist experience - from the planning stages (designing itineraries) to hands-on execution (providing accommodation and personally guiding the tour groups) - all while paying special attention to the varying tastes and special needs of our visitors.

Hence. We have conceptualised a new, soon to be outrageously successful, entrepreneurial foray into the world of adventure and explorations of the UAE.

We’re calling it Bundey's Ball of Fun Tours.

We'll have our own Jeep Wrangler (lumo orange), which will be able to ramp pavements better than any Hummer’s wildest dream. There will be flame-throwers and shirtless man-bitches in the back. We'll be blaring Busta Rhymes tunes from our 6 x 9’s and our logo will be a camel with a bottle of Crackling under its armpit.

Sweet titties. It’s going to be a killer!