Refueling

After becoming the modest recipient of the Dubai Lonely Planet Tour Guide - May 2007, all hostessed-out, throat sore from days of shisha-abuse, suburnt from trips up Dubai creek and the spice souk, what do you do to cool the jets?

Recovery itinerary

Firstly, DENY invites to Jebel Ali cheap booze club, and watch The Departed (“Enjoy your clams, caak-suckers”) instead. To round off the evening on a low note, watch a bland Diane Lane movie right through to the end so you can rest assured that the desperate woman actually quits whining when she bags herself a boat-builder. You may or may not partake of the Instant Winners (elation, euphoria) the implied viewer experiences when she springs from a moving rowing vessel into the river to reach the lucky bastard.

When it is 46 degrees outside and you could cook a well-done rump steak on your bonnet, watch more movies. Blades of Glory … it’s far too much to handle. There is nothing quite like a sex addict in Garth Brookes gear lunging across the ice. I almost had a seizure.

Have a Pink Pong mocktail (pienk leechee juice) instead of wine with your supper, and plan your next insanely large night with your mates. This will make you all feel more at ease for not having BOOZED like potato farmers on St Paddy’s Day this weekend.

Then have an obscenely fabulous Saturday in a delirium of plastic-swiping as you rack up a whopping 12 or so new outfits. Take someone who encourages you, egging you on as you rip another dress from the rails, drunk on Top Shop, tripping on River Island. Like spaniels in duck season, you should quiver with excitement as you justify each purchase to each other. You’ve done well if you feel as though you should be charged some sort of excess baggage tariff as you walk out of that mall.

Here I am going to add the mandatory SJP point for ponderation: Is shopping the new tequila?

Conclude the weekend by making your parents/digsmates a welcome home supper for their return from a week in paradise/Sri Lanka. Don’t be alarmed when your phone rings and its them, only they’re not back in Dubai, they’ve been diverted by Sri Lankan Airlines to KUWAIT instead.