Making a meal of it

I’ve developed a weird infatuation with a food reviewer. Call me cooked.

James Brennan in the Dubai TimeOut magazine absolutely tickles me. Who would’ve thought it was possible to turn a review on INSTANT PORRIDGE into pure quality entertainment.

Instant Oatmeal – French Toast flavour – Quaker
Dhs 21.25
Rating: 1 star

French toast? Now this is a touch ambitious. It’s also a bit bonkers. The very idea of an egg-soaked fried bread and porridge partnership is up there with Ginger Rogers and R2-D2 for the honour of the dumbest pairing ever. Once you boil the contents of a sachet in water, you know its sillier than a chimp in a waistcoat.

The cinnamon and caramel flavour is so sickly and overwhelming, you’ll be glad there’s only half a bowl’s worth in each portion. But if you want to live to see Paris Hilton’s great granddaughter win the Nobel Prize in literature, you could do a lot worse than holding your nose and piping this glutinous muck down your neck without it touching the sides.

This is the bloke who reviews Dubai’s poshest 5 star dining joints. And here he is, taking the piss out of oats. I love it.